unsent letter #201
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i woke up and
the sun was shining
it was afternoon
and i was smiling
i was in love
i've been thinking
reading crying laughing
wondering talking
asking trying
trying to figure us out
and today i don't need to
because i love you
even at your worst
and i know you love me
whether you admit it
deny it
or anything in between
and i know the day is coming
when we're face to face
and you look into my eyes
i'll look back up at you and smile
and yes this is a fantasy
but i have every ability to make
it come true
and i still have this unbreakable hold on
you so maybe i have complained about not being free
but neither are you
and that's just the way
things were meant to be
so i'm at peace today with
all my unresolved heartache
and the anger is falling of the
edge of my horizon into
the blackness of a sky that
forgives me
my trespasses
as if i was angelwinged
pure of heart
and my feet were clean
you're the kind of boy
i could spend my whole life
with
never grow tired of looking
into your hazeleyes
listening to you laughing
and talkingjumpingdreaming
through hoops of fire
in our own little circus
where the lions
tame and untame us
and today i don't care if you
if the whole world knows
what a fool i am
for you
that i would empty my
pockets
and my heart for you
and that every other boy
i spend my time with
is just a poor substitute
for you
"i was hoping it was you"
you said when i called
and maybe that's your weapon
or maybe its the truth
or both
because these days
there is no black and white
and the lessons i'm learning
are so simple
but it took me fifteen months
to learn them
and so i pray
for one thing
only
(i walked by the fountain
pulled the only coin i found in my pocket
a nickel, and i glanced at the year
for some strange reason and
it was you were born
and i whispered i love you
as i threw it in)
that you could see
with open eyes
and an open heart
what you're facing
and what is real...
you might
be
surprised.
unsent letter #200
this is another goodbye
I want to say this is the last goodbye
but
we all know how that goes
and if you were actually going to read this
I might be a little more convincing
but this is the best kind of goodbye I could come up with
given the circumstances
the fact that its Friday
and somehow
we both are sick
at the same time
with the same rare illness
even though we’ve never been closer
than 8,800 miles from each other
and ironically
it’s a kissing disease
transmitted through telephone lines
straight through my skin
I should have seen it coming
but your brand of poison can taste so sweet
goes down easy…hooks into my heart
when I sleep
and I’m wrestling these dreamedupdemons
again
under fluorescent light
and I know
the only way to save myself
is to never
ever
speak to you again
so it comes down to
everyone else being right
my heart being wrong
it comes down to every cheesy sad breakup song
it comes down to the fact that
I’ve never lived in a world outside
your arms
where I really belonged
and when everything I thought was real
is dead and gone
I can’t
breathe
or make words with my mouth
I can’t see the numbers on the phone
but I know those eighteen numbers
by touch alone
the melody of your touchtone
lately I’m plagued by curiosity
of all the things I sent to you and where they ended up
which things she broke
or threw away
the books, the pictures, the shirts you wore
the coins, the curl I cut, the cards by the dozens, the poems, the cds,
the promo poster of your favorite band
hanging from your ceiling
that I stole from walmart
the poem your mum framed and hung on the wall
is it still there?
this kind of thing is not healthy
I have all these people that need me
I don’t have the time or energy to be caught up
anymore in a crippled fantasy
and even the kiss on the forehead
isn’t enough to keep me
so keep your whiteskinnedgothgirl
your makebelieve maple leaf
and every other girl you’ll corrupt
wishing it was me
maybe there’s a place I’ll always hold you
somewhere between awake and asleep
but without trust there’s not even a
touch of us
so marry your mistakes
but don’t ever say you miss me
this is me
walking away
I wont keep
you wont keep me guessing
embrace the immenseness
of this emptiness
and leave me lonely
I’ve nothing left to give you
but my healing heart’s broken blessing
unsent letter #198
it was the kiss on the forehead
that killed me
but you knew that
you choose your weapons so carefully
kissing my achilles heels
before tying me up gently
spinning me into disarray
a new game for you and me to play
let them watch
i have nothing left to hide
no sense of wrong or right
no dignity
no pride
and you can have your cracked
wedding bells
your bleeding broken bride
i'll stand here laughing in the wake
with a fish hook i my throat
without the courage to ask why
unsent letter #194
lately
I’ve been thinking
a lot about us
not us now
but the us back then
about what it was all about
and my shrink doesn’t help
telling me
“you don’t know
if it was ever real to him”
but she’s wrong
because my heart
knows
and I have this box of proof
the letters,
cards,
emails,
I have your shirt that I sleep in
sometimes still
when the night gets too long
to manage
without a little
gris gris
of black magic
and roses
and this book you sent me
the biography of kurt cobain
the poems
postcards
the songs
the music
and one message
on my answer machine
that still blinks
like a beacon
when all the other lights
have gone out
telling me you love me
very much
please pick up the phone
so I’ve been thinking about this bracelet
I still wear
that matches yours
how old and worn they are by now
I took mine off at first
but then realized
my wrist was still tied
by this braided rope to yours
for better or worse
and soon I will be close enough
to touch you
and you want that
my skin
but not my soul
and I wonder what I would do
faced with the reality of you
I wonder how much truth a lie holds
like water in my cupped hands
the mirror shows what you have made
of me
and I don’t like what I see
lately I’ve been thinking
about us
broken into halves
of you and me
friendship, betrayal
hypocrisy
the weaknesses you hide from me
and the lesson I learned
of loving unconditionally
how every boy I was ever with
is still in love with me
except the one
I wish would be
I have these scissors at this rope at my wrist
lately I’ve been thinking
of cutting myself
free.
unsent letter #192
there’s not an envelope
I haven’t opened
looking for a trace of you
tell me where you last
took off your skin
take a photograph
of what’s underneath
I might recognize you
more bloody
and raw
less polished
twenty-six times
I’ve laid it out
twenty-six corpses
of decaying days
sometimes you were
watching from beside me
sometimes you didn’t
know my name
but I was stomping room
to room
more real than you think
more angry
than you think
walk away
and don’t look back
one more selfish heart
that I don’t need
