brushing up against you
blindfolded
warmblush and crush and crumble and
hands that tremble
what changed in 30 minute increments
30 day sheets that
we rip away
when they pass?
we ride elephants in the desert and i
brush my cold fingers against your
windstained face
knowing how you hate what i
am made of
how these addictions make us
sicker by the day...
plush these beds, these petals
this over-romanticized tragic notion
i held onto
we fit side by side in this envelope
so perfectly
and she told me she wished
you were the person i thought
you would be
my hands are empty but open
and they wash me in their dreams of
you and me
and everything we ever said was a misunderstanding
every time we touched was a one night stand
every i love you was a dying echo
every gift was bound to turn to dust
and sift through fingers
every time we fell
we already had picked a new place to land
he knows about the hollow places
that you left inside me
the places where i'll never feel alive
he knows there's a laugh i only laughed with you
a smile only you saw
and i still get angry when i'm not wondering what you're doing
and i still get sad when i'm not half smirking at your jokes
and i have no serenity to accept the things i cannot change
no courage to change what i could
and so it really doesn't matter if i can tell the difference
and when i'm lying in someone else's bed
crying into lavender pillows
aching into all these pieces
it really doesn't count
that i was strong enough
Hey boy
I was looking at the moon tonight
Not knowing tomorrow it would
Eclipse
And I guess somewhere an hour before me
You can see it too
Today I didn’t cry once
Over you
Althought I came close
Plenty of times
I’m just hiding out from the world
As my throat gets tighter
Some kind of virus
Some kind of need
A thirst a dirty dream
Some kind of blinding colour green
There I go again
Sure that you forgot everything that was
The me in your mind
And here you came
Trip-trapping over the bridge
And I asked you to pay the toll
Like I always do
Like I always do
But light refracted on the black lacquer table
Into these suddenly awake still mostly asleep eyes
That you said to me
Were the most beautiful
Anywhere
Of anyone
That’s the kind of thing
That a girl won’t ever forget
Those words, what was it
Five minutes of small talk
Ending with the matching
I miss yous
And the final note of the symphony
Did you really say
You’d talk to me soon
Or did I add that part in on my own?
In your mock bourbon street
Bordello
The boardwalks and blonde bimbos
That you can’t get enough of
Blockbuster nights full of anti-romance
And the black-haired girls
Who just can’t say no
Smeared picturesquely
…just so…
It doesn’t hurt anymore
The other lives you’re lost in
Because you said hello
And you asked me how I was
And you were proud and excited
that a band performed one of my songs
and I made you laugh
which is about as close to my nirvana
as I will get
even if I only got to imagine the sound
it was enough.
I used to want everything from you…
Whatever you gave
Was never all that I needed
But last night
You said my name
The way only you do
I knew in the afternoon
That it would be the day
I would finally hear from you
Someone taught me
To listen to my intuition
And I woke from a sound sleep
And found you inside that 5 minute window
Of opportunity
Not knowing how I knew
That you would be there
Looking for me
You gave me the one minute warning
And showed your sadness
You said you miss me
well it happened again
funny how it never gets easier
to stand in the line of fire
and hear the words i'm in love
with someone else.
this seems to be the curse you left me with
boys who think i'm beautiful
the hope of a recycled heart
boys who languish in the lion's mane
and lick lines of poetry
from my lips
boys who convince me they're nothing
like you
would never do the things you do
never leave me waiting outside
in the rain
never leave me lying on the sidewalk in pain
never forget to call
never walk away and forget it all
but little do they know
there is nothing else
they can do
black eyed girls
blue eyed girls
hazel eyed girls
are hatching out plans to pierce the places a cupid's crooked arrow could fit
they will use their cowardly curves
to teach you to forget
how many times
i bled into your hands
staining your palms
candyred
how many nights we lay listening
to constellations crumble
kookaburras cackle
kindness fall
like night rain
like flowergirl daughters
and their scattered ashpetals
i saw you for a moment last night
you're different now
but i still know you
by touch alone
by the black edges of your innocense
tapering into tempered tantrums
and the sound of your boots
stomping up the stairs
outside my front door
sometimes i'm still angry
sometimes i still cry
sometimes i start to call you
forgetting...you're not really there
i remember the fight we had about halloween
how i'd never seen you be that mean before
and it scared me
but we all hide behind these valentine-proof vests
protecting our pre-conceived notions
and our stainedglass chests
again there are no answers
that you can give me
so i curl caterpillar-style
into the cocoon
i have memorized making
out of sadsongs, shaking
and a blanket thick enough
to keep
every drop of daylight out
Just needed to tell you the secrets of my fingertips
Even though I know I have become some
Invisible ghost in an imagined history so sweet
And storybook
That children still beg for the tales
Of some tomboy princess and her
Unlikely lover
And the way these weeks are weaving themselves into heavy wool like the miscolored blankets my grandmother knitted so heavy they crushed you in and under the only warmth your body could create
Because the windows were cracked and left gaps
In the winter
And the doors never locked
And no one was home but me…
And years pass by and I’m still breathing
Loneliness and my legs still look lonely
In these sheets
The mathematics of angles laced like a corset on a
Bulging globe that arcs in ways I didn’t predict
With my newfound intuition
But history holds secrets people
Do not want told and I hold hands
I was never meant to hold
And I see you in the sink
Blood mixing with water
Mocking my veins as they hold me in
Pumping away at nothing
And we’re trying to tear down the berlin wall
With rubber hammers and unholy hearts
Our Sundays still shared in cubbyholes
Under the stairs
You never told me of your nightmares
But today I had one
That I knew must be yours
Running in terror
Like slow motion music
In a movie
I can’t stand to watch
As things start to freeze over and my
Fish are trapped under ice
I fight to forget but the eyes
The eyes look up at me
And in the absence of a place to be
In the middle of nowhere
Tied to the traintracks with you
Sounds better than some moonlit city
Where I walk around alone
And free.
make me throw up my hands,
roll my eyes
or simply scream
in exasperation
these are the things
that make you everything
imperfectly
perfect
so that when we slip into bed
its a puzzle
sliding into place
and when i whisper things
i need you to know
it doesn't matter if you hear me
because
your heart
always knows
and i love you
on saturday
on tuesday
when i'm angry
when you tell me who you dreamed of
and it wasn't me
when you don't say goodbye
when you show me your darkside
on monday morning
when you're still asleep
when you whinge
and your smile is one
of the things...
your eyes
your laughter
your voice
your love of rain
and your drunken 2 a.m. voice
are things...
when you give the dog a bath
or massage your mum's arthritic shoulder
help the boy next door with his homework
make me cds
believe in me
hold the baby from down the street
when you come close to crying
from reading some
heartbreaking thing
or ride with the lady next door
to take her husband to work
so she doesn't have to take that long ride home at night alone
when all i see is darkness and you tell me
everything is going to be okay...
these are the things
that show me your heart
that shines
your soul washed clean
the love you have to give
these are the things
that i see
that make you
easyto love.
iloveyouundyinglyin vast amountsit doesn't even make senseto meor anyone elsehow i carry around your ghostbut there we were dancing tonightand i heard you laughingas the band played that songabout henry rollinsyelling at everyone all day longand i loved youhow we collapsed into theold worn couch at the coffeehouseshared ice creamand drove home with all the windowsdownandi love youin spite of the weatherin spite of the fact thatsometimes i need youand you're not aroundand the fact that you don't knowwhat you wantfrom minute to minutedon't want to be touchedsome daysmake me throw up my hands,roll my eyesor simply screamin exasperationthese are the thingsthat make you everythingimperfectlyperfectso that when we slip into bedits a puzzlesliding into placeand when i whisper thingsi need you to knowit doesn't matter if you hear mebecauseyour heartalways knowsand i love youon saturdayon tuesdaywhen i'm angrywhen you tell me who you dreamed ofand it wasn't mewhen you don't say goodbyewhen you show me your darksideon monday morningwhen you're still asleepwhen you whingeand your smile is oneof the things...your eyesyour laughteryour voiceyour love of rainand your drunken 2 a.m. voiceare things...when you give the dog a bathor massage your mum's arthritic shoulderhelp the boy next door with his homeworkmake me cdsbelieve in mehold the baby from down the streetwhen you come close to cryingfrom reading someheartbreaking thingor ride with the lady next doorto take her husband to workso she doesn't have to take that long ride home at night alonewhen all i see is darkness and you tell meeverything is going to be okay...these are the thingsthat show me your heartthat shinesyour soul washed cleanthe love you have to givethese are the thingsthat i seethat make youeasyto love.
